There is that beautiful moment when a woman becomes a mother. When you lay eyes on that beautiful baby or child for the first time. When you hug them and commit to loving them forever, no matter what. There is that innate instinct to protect and help them thrive at any cost. As a mother, I feel it strong within me. My heart beats for them.
Two recent challenges have me redefining myself as a mother. They have me challenged and stretched to my very limits mentally, emotionally, and physically...
Firstly, Littlemiss was diagnosed weeks ago with a Sensory Processing Disorder. Simply put (which there is nothing simple about SPD, I feel like I'm learning a new language), her brain doesn't process sensory input properly. This is a short version of what's going on, I'm working on a blog post to completely explain it. Her central nervous system and brain aren't communicating properly with each other. She makes a lot more sense to us now. But the road we will be trekking is longer than anticipated and expensive. We are looking at our child with new eyes. Peering into her mind and how it has been working differently her whole life. At first I felt joy, because our prayers were answered and we had a plan.Then I felt grief as I realized that she didn't fit the "norms." The pastor at a church we visited a few weeks ago said, "We all say we want our child to be exceptional and unique, but what we really want is for them to be normal and to fit in." My eyes burned with tears. It is so true for me. I shamefully have wanted this for a long time. I wanted her to fit into preschool programs like every other kid I knew. I wanted her to have more calm, quiet moments. I wanted her to be easy-going and transition easily throughout our days. I wanted her to sit still. I wanted her to stop climbing on everything. I wanted a lot of her to change... That's hard to swallow and I can't believe I admitted it. It's not that I ever loved her less or doubted my devotion to her. Ever. Every day felt like a battle that I was losing most days. No amount of behavior management seemed to make lasting progress, and I was frustrated and worn down. Constant redirection, monitoring, and battles throughout the day left me weary. We had good days and of course great days, but most days I felt we were in battle with each other. I held onto the hope that these were just phases she would grow out of...
Thankfully God hasn't given up on me as a parent. He doesn't want me to change her, but to join Him in molding her into the person HE has called her to be. Surrender your plans, your ideals and trust HIM. Surrender her to God. God is working on my heart to drop what I want for her life, and hand her life over to HIM completely. He has a plan and a purpose for her life that is far greater than I could ever dream up, and he created her the way He did for HIS purposes. Surrender is a beautiful thing. It changes the direction of the heart and mind, and frees the soul.
She is exceptional and unique. I am embracing it now more than I ever have. She has so many strengths too... She is smart and loves learning, and has even started reading. She is one of the friendliest kids I've ever met, walking up to any child, trying to hug them and wanting to play. Her imagination is crazy awesome. She's often pretending to be someone else, like the week she was Arnold from the Magic School Bus and wouldn't respond to any other name. She is the best big sister to BooBoo and loves him so well. She is exceptional and unique.
Now I am seeking God's direction more clearly and with His purposes in mind. I am seeking Him on my face for next steps and praising Him for the progress she has made. We are blessed with weekly occupational therapy, and a daily "sensory diet," to retrain her brain to recognize and respond to sensory input properly. We've already seen behavioral changes in her. When her sensory needs are met she's calmer, sleeps better, doesn't put up a fight with every transition, focuses on tasks more easily, can sit better, and is overall a MUCH happier kid. We are on the right path.
Secondly, my pregnancy with our sweet little babe isn't going as we had planned. A week ago I began bleeding. It wasn't a hemorrhage (I remember that feeling when Rory was born) but it was a lot, a lot of blood. Enough to make us think I was miscarrying our sweet little one. For two hours we waited for an ultrasound. When we entered the ultrasound room, the tech instructed Clay to sit on the opposite side of the room and told him this wasn't a "well-visit ultrasound, so he wasn't allowed to see the baby." We asked if we could get a print out picture of our baby, so that we could have a picture of our child. He told us it wasn't allowed. I was devastated. All I wanted was a picture of our little baby. I watched as he measured my uterus and the top of the baby's head. I thought I saw an arm move. I didn't want to get myself excited, and thought maybe it was just the baby moving around in the fluid as I moved. Finally, he gave us a side view and I saw that beautiful baby's heart beating strong! I gave Clay the thumbs up and cried tears of complete joy. Not only was our child alive, but was measuring well for his/her gestational age. So much relief.
During the ultrasound they also discovered that I have a complete placenta previa, the same condition I had with Rory that nearly took both our lives. You can read more about his miraculous birth here. This time I'm at higher risk because I've already had a c-section with a previa, meaning more scarring in my uterus, and I've already started bleeding. There is a chance the placenta could move into the right place, but we aren't as hopeful because the opening of the placenta isn't just covering the opening for the baby to come out, but the opening is on the complete opposite side of the uterus. It would have to move halfway around my uterus for it to get to the right place. Nothing is impossible with God and we have seen His hand in miraculous ways save lives in our family with Rory's delivery! We are praying for a miracle. If it stays situated I will be on bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy that will become more and more restrictive as I progress. I risk excessive bleeding or a hemorrhage with a placental abruption, so I've been instructed to stay near a hospital at all times. This risk will increase as the pregnancy goes on as well. I will possibly (and likely) be hospitalized at some point in my third trimester, and I hope not before then. The baby will be delivered early, we just hope and pray my body holds out to 35 weeks. It's common to have a blood transfusion and some women require a hysterectomy to stop the bleeding after birth. They had trouble controlling my bleeding after Rory was born. We were borderline needing blood transfusions after his birth and we were 30 feet from an OR when I had a placental abruption and hemorrhaged. I have felt like I'm reliving my worst nightmare, BUT these are just medical facts and probabilities...
I want you to know, do not fret for us. Turn your worries into prayers. God gives incredible strength to the weary and weak. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 We are daily forced to rely on Him, which is a beautiful thing. I feel so close to Him during this season because He is the only sure, unchanging, reliable reassurance in my life. It brings me incredible peace knowing that my merciful, loving Father in heaven is in control and He loves us more than anyone ever could.
I want you to know, this baby is worth it. I lay down my life for this child. I surrender my body. God sees the beginning and the end of our lives, and He holds us so gently in His hands. Who am I to question His plan and purpose in all of this? Who am I to cling so tightly to my life and my desires? He sees the beginning and ending of time, He is the Alpha and Omega. I do not have His eternal view and He has a plan for our lives I can't compete with. Who am I to doubt Him? "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4 When fear creeps in to take a hold of me, I cast it out and claim His eternal promises. My faith wavers and my God is forever faithful to deliver His promises to me. His word is a literal lamp unto my feet and has taken new life as His words cover my fears with God's eternal truths. He quenches and uplifts my soul. "There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life---fear of death, fear of judgement---is one not fully formed in love." 1 John 4:18
For now, I'm on modified bedrest. I am able to be on my feet for short periods of time, like long enough to make a sandwich, and go to the bathroom. I can use our stairs a few times a day. I don't have to be reclined, but can be seated and relaxed. I'm driving electric wheelchairs like a wild woman through Target, Whole Foods, and JoAnn's, so watch out! Seriously, I keep running things over and am pretty sure I'm going to run into a giant breakable display one of these days! We found a fabulous preschool for the kids that is a great balance of child-directed and teacher-directed learning, the teachers are experienced (Jemma's even has experience with kids with sensory issues), and it is a loving, creative environment. I cry just thinking about being in our house alone without them when they are at school. I will miss all the noise, chaos, and fun we have. I simply can not meet their needs, and take care of myself and the baby at the same time. God has thankfully provided the school for us. They will love school and probably won't be phased by half a day in their stellar preschool :) We also hired a housekeeper, wahoo! And my dear husband is working tirelessly. He is caring for the kids completely, prepping meals, picking up the house, working, folding and putting away laundry, tending to my every need, and keeping an incredible attitude. He is serving our family well. I keep telling him that his acts of service and love for our family are blessing our family greater than we know. I have never loved him more. Although we are in this situation, I can't help but feel incredible gratefulness for what we do have. For one thing we have each other and we are in God's gracious, loving hands.
"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hand." Psalm 138:7-8
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